Day Twenty-five

I can't believe I am almost finished on the more structured phase of this plan.

I was dreading today, ironically, because I had to dwell on fearlessness, and doing things that scare me despite the dread. Not to scare myself silly, but just to push myself out of the comfort zone.

As the day began, I decided (initially) to be more open about my faith with people I don't know very well.

Then I had a meeting with a potential supplier and fell at the first hurdle. The opportunity came when I could slip into conversation quite naturally the fact that I go to church, and I didn't take it. I felt so bad I could feel myself blushing and stuttering as I finished the sentence where I avoided saying "my church" and ROWR - why didn't I do that?

I realised that fear is an emotion I feel far too much of the time. I really want to feel it less, or - to put it a better way - overcome it more.

So, I gave myself a second task, to go and see somebody who scares me a bit. Which I duly did. It was alright. Didn't say too much stuff. A small step, I guess.

Then I gave myself a third task, to stand around not doing anything at a networking event, even though it made me look like a total billy no-mates. After the event I could hear an internal dialogue going on; my inner voice shouting at me for damaging my career, etc, and I started believing it. Very silly. And I felt a bit rubbish after the fact, and confused, because that's not supposed to happen, really.

Then - rather too spookily for my liking - I had a chance encounter with something that really scares me, right in the middle of Oxford St. I could swear my heart stopped. It's really not somewhere you expect that sort of thing to happen. I did the usual thing of zooming away very quickly, doing everything I could to look away, and then got about 200 yards down the road and thought to myself, in a very Paxman tone of voice: oh, COME OFF IT. I've got to get over myself. So I thought, I can't do a very big step tonight about getting over this thing but I can take a small step. So (and this is going to make me sound very silly) I hid behind a bus shelter and looked round it very slowly, cartoon style, until I could just see it - admittedly quite a long way away, and stared for a few seconds.

And, suprisingly, instead of feeling panic, the feeling of control I got was really very good. Even though there was a sort of gastric washing-machine going, I turned my frustration with myself into a small(ish) triumph.

That's something I like about the No Diet Diet. The book repeats quite often that you can't fail it. If something's too hard for you, you just have to take smaller steps, until you achieve them, and then build up to bigger things in increments. The point is not to measure your progress but just to try, and enjoy the feeling you get when you succeed. At least, I think that's the idea.

(It's just so now, darling!)