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Is my blog really that awesomely stimulating?

Maybe I should brave myself and get out into the blogosphere a bit more. That might mean a serving of humble pie. Which is allowed, I guess, on this diet.

Day Twenty-five

I can't believe I am almost finished on the more structured phase of this plan.

I was dreading today, ironically, because I had to dwell on fearlessness, and doing things that scare me despite the dread. Not to scare myself silly, but just to push myself out of the comfort zone.

As the day began, I decided (initially) to be more open about my faith with people I don't know very well.

Then I had a meeting with a potential supplier and fell at the first hurdle. The opportunity came when I could slip into conversation quite naturally the fact that I go to church, and I didn't take it. I felt so bad I could feel myself blushing and stuttering as I finished the sentence where I avoided saying "my church" and ROWR - why didn't I do that?

I realised that fear is an emotion I feel far too much of the time. I really want to feel it less, or - to put it a better way - overcome it more.

So, I gave myself a second task, to go and see somebody who scares me a bit. Which I duly did. It was alright. Didn't say too much stuff. A small step, I guess.

Then I gave myself a third task, to stand around not doing anything at a networking event, even though it made me look like a total billy no-mates. After the event I could hear an internal dialogue going on; my inner voice shouting at me for damaging my career, etc, and I started believing it. Very silly. And I felt a bit rubbish after the fact, and confused, because that's not supposed to happen, really.

Then - rather too spookily for my liking - I had a chance encounter with something that really scares me, right in the middle of Oxford St. I could swear my heart stopped. It's really not somewhere you expect that sort of thing to happen. I did the usual thing of zooming away very quickly, doing everything I could to look away, and then got about 200 yards down the road and thought to myself, in a very Paxman tone of voice: oh, COME OFF IT. I've got to get over myself. So I thought, I can't do a very big step tonight about getting over this thing but I can take a small step. So (and this is going to make me sound very silly) I hid behind a bus shelter and looked round it very slowly, cartoon style, until I could just see it - admittedly quite a long way away, and stared for a few seconds.

And, suprisingly, instead of feeling panic, the feeling of control I got was really very good. Even though there was a sort of gastric washing-machine going, I turned my frustration with myself into a small(ish) triumph.

That's something I like about the No Diet Diet. The book repeats quite often that you can't fail it. If something's too hard for you, you just have to take smaller steps, until you achieve them, and then build up to bigger things in increments. The point is not to measure your progress but just to try, and enjoy the feeling you get when you succeed. At least, I think that's the idea.

(It's just so now, darling!)

Day Twenty-four

My latest task was to achieve balance between the things I feel I ought to be doing and the things that are truly beneficial to me. Really not easy at all, especially considering I now have responsibility for another person's wages.

But: again, I need to learn that the world won't fall apart if I do an hour's less work. If the worst happened, I know that the skills I've taught me employees, and given them the opportunity to learn, will mean that they can earn more in their next jobs, and I'm sure they'll get new jobs pretty quick if things do really go down the pan.

SO: seeing that my life does lack balance, and admitting to myself that sorting this out isn't going to happen straight away, I concentrated hard on writing a list of things that I'd like to change.

Things I am doing too much of:

• Seeing the same people over and over
• Checking my email / reading email newsletters
• Japanese pencil puzzles
• Putting too much effort in at work on low-return activities
• Watching TV without doing the ironing at the same time (couch potato!)

Things I am doing too little of:

• Laughing
• Praying / God time
• Making new friends / seeing rare friends
• Going to parties
• Exercise
• Seeing my bro and sis
• Buying good clothes that suit me
• Listening to people who mean a lot to me about what they feel and recognising how I can help them (eg through acts of love, gifts, recommendations etc)

I also wrote a further list of how I am going to address all this stuff, but time runs thin in order to transcribe it (and I am sure you can work out for yourself how I am going to address a lot of these problems - the solutions are fairly obvious really).

All good. If the No Diet Diet means I laugh more and go to more parties - hey! This thing rocks.

Day Twenty-three

The focus on this day was all about awareness.

My first reaction when I read the task description was "Hmmm, that all sounds a bit Buddhist" but I don't think it's about serious meditation. It's more about taking the time to notice things. I had to take 2 situations and really focus on them, to notice things I hadn't done before. Before doing this I thought I was quite an observant person, but actually focussing on seeing new things on my journey to work, which I normally find incredibly boring and like to get over and done with as quickly as possible (although a lot less so since starting the NDD) was a lot of fun and made me enjoy it quite a lot. I made a little list of 10 of the things I noticed:

1. A sign on the main road saying "marathon route 18";
2. One grassy verge packed full of dandelions in full bloom, the next verge completely sans dandelions;
3. That North Harrow station has skylights;
4. One pigeon sitting on another pigeon's head (!);
5. Bright pinkish red spiky tulips in a neighbour's garden;
6. Identical rows of chimneys down the line from North Harrow tube;
7. A little boy running along, wearning a parka, like they used to at school when I was 5;
8. 4 bikes chained to the railings at the station, one with a basket at the front;
9. That the corner of a neighbour's garage door panel turns outwards;
10. A satellite dish with a company name on it : "Medion" - that I'd never heard of.
    

I was quite pleased with that little list. Good creative writing fodder, some of it. Probably quite boring to you, dear reader, though.

I also had to focus on seeing new things in somebody I talked to, and it was interesting how I really did notice a lot of extra stuff that I hadn't seen before, which amazed me.

I think I might have to do this a lot more. It makes you appreciate the richness of life.

Day Twenty-two

The start of phase four. I can't quite believe it, but this is the last week of the serious habit-breaking phase of the No-Diet Diet.

This week is all about changing how I think. So each day focusses on a particular "thought-dimension" as the book calls it.

Today's one was "self-responsibility" - meaning I have to accept responsibility for all the choices I've made in life, understand that I can change the way my life is by making different choices, and taking the blame where blame is due.

I've got better at this in recent years, but there's still some improving to do where I tend to get defensive straight away about things and blame other people.

It's quite scary though, and I can imagine very scary for some, to imagine that my life is the way it is now in the main because of my own choices. I know this isn't true for everybody in the world, because of messed-up politics and economics, but in this country, the vast majority of us have more freedom than we like to admit. I think if we did, we would be faced with some very uncomfortable truths. We'd much rather blame it on the stars or on the will of God or whatever. But God actually gave us wills, minds and choices of our own to make. Why would we have them if He got to decide everything? Sounds like a cruel form of torture to me.

Dump that horoscope. Stop blaming God (or, incidentally, the dark side) for your problems. You know it makes sense. And so must I.

WOO-HOO!

My weight is now: 13 stone 12 lbs.

Oh yeah!

Here's to the next 2lbs off.

Day Twenty-one

Today I had no less than 4 things to achieve!
They were:

1. Give up the habit of dwelling on the past
2. Change some kind of regular activity you do
3. Turn off your mobile phone for a day
4. Say your own name out loud for a minute

Task one was easy - I'm not a very backward looking person. Unless I've been badly hurt, I reckon I do take quite a lot of responsibility for the way I behave now (probably too much in some cases because I tend to be plagued by a guilty conscience!) so I rarely think about the past, unless I'm regretting a choice I've made, but I know that most of those choices can be turned around.
Anyhow.
Task 2 was also achieved without too much fuss. I went shopping in the morning to buy a melon in order to cook a special birthday lunch for Dave. 3 things I don't normally do on Sundays, all wrapped up a neat package!
Task 3 was very hard. I really am quite addicted to my mobile. Not so much talking on it but checking my email and sending texts - those are the key culprits. I felt a bit jittery without it - but at the same time - a wonderful sense of freedom. It was nice. Though I did sometimes wonder if I was going to get 3 or 4 panicked voicemails with people trying to get hold of my for some emergency or other. Such an inflated sense of self-importance I have! I really should remember that I'm not at the centre of the universe.
Task 4 was a very weird thing to have to do and I didn't enjoy it at all. My name turned into a kind of non-word in my head - just meaningless noise - by the end of it. I found the whole thing strangely embarrassing.
So there we are. The end of stage 3.
I'm a bit nervous about weighing myself tomorrow.

Day Twenty

Good news and bad news today.

The task I chose was perfect, because Dave and I were going to be out most of the day, and I wanted to maximise my opportunity to complete it. I was supposed to find out new things about people that I know. We had a 25th wedding anniversary to go to, and then a party. So it was totally ideal, and I found out lots of cool things about people that I didn't know before. It was more fun than I thought, approaching the evening on a fact-finding mission. And made for much more interesting conversation than usual, which didn't go unnoticed. So that was good.

I discovered to my horror that I'd so far forgotten to do the 2 extra tasks that I was supposed to do, from a long list of 26. I chose the most difficult ones for me: say your own name out loud for a minute, and switch your mobile phone off for a day. But the phone off wasn't going to happen today, because I was expecting a very important work call, on which hung a few thousand pounds (potentially). So that was bad.

I will have to do my two extra tasks tomorrow, as well as the other ones!

Day Nineteen

My 2 tasks today were:

• To stand for 30 minutes when I got home
• To give up blaming people for things
  

I managed these two tasks - yes!!

The standing one was quite hard (although I had to go to the loo halfway through) - normally I do sit down within at least 10 minutes of getting home. Being forced to stand was interesting, and it made me look for things to do - all of which were housework. So I did the washing-up, which was actually eminently satisfying, and something I'd never normally do straight away after returning from an evening's activities with Dave.

I also realised while doing the second task that I do tend to blame others, and not accept responsibility for things, as much as I thought. I really made a conscious effort not to, and again it was very hard. Soon, hopefully, I will be free.

Day Eighteen

Wow - it took a long time for me to rack my brains and remember what I did today.

I had to do something creative. I brought home a load of magazine cuttings from the studio, which I keep for inspiration when beginning various design projects, and aimed to make a collage from them for Dave's birthday on the 25th. But by the time we'd had dinner and I sat down to have a go, it was 10pm and I was quite tired. I think because I spend most of my day being, or at least trying to be creative, I'd lost enthusiasm for actually doing it in my spare time as well, and put too much pressure on myself in making something that Dave would appreciate. So I ended up being a bit frustrated and left it on the sofa, half-finished.

Not quite so good. Oops.

Day Seventeen

The day's task today was to go on a walk for 30 minutes. I actually forgot to do it in the morning, and then right up until the end of the day at work, a continual stream of things to do seemed to launch themselves at me relentlessly. Before I knew it I was surprised with a phonecall at 6pm from Jo, who, along with Katie, I was supposed to be meeting up with that evening. Inwardly I panicked, thinking I wouldn't have a chance to do my walk, and be set back a bit, because I'm quite proud of what I've achieved in terms of completing tasks. However, the lovely girlies agreed that we should go on a walk together, because (despite my cult-like enthusiasm about the NDD) they seem keen to support my flab-fighting efforts. I love my friends!

Interestingly, I noticed that our walk consisted of the journey to church - which was odd, because we had no reason to go there. I think I am beginning to notice other people's habit traps now as well as my own.

Anyway, my thinking habit to bust today was to give up being afraid. Well, I didn't have much time to be afraid; but if I'm honest, I did fail on this one. I completely forgot about it and then realised at the end of the day that I'd waffled randomly about something because I was afraid of what people would think of me once I'd said it. I just made it worse! Nuts! I'll have to apply myself to that task again at some point. It seems easier to give up fear when you start on the tiny things, like worrying about looking foolish.

Day Sixteen

Today I was back to work.

My people task was making time to listen. Really absorbing what people were saying instead of spending the whole time thinking about what I was going to say.

Normally when the situation demands it I'm ok at doing that, but to be forced to do it the whole time made me realise that I'm in a rut. I really do spend a lot of time thinking what I'm going to say rather than listening, being genuinely interested and asking questions rather than butting in. Sometimes that's difficult in a work situation as I try to advise clients, but I suppose I should wait for a question before saying my piece.

Today I often found myself saying things without thinking and mentally pulling myself back. It's like trying not to scratch when you've got a really really itchy spot.

I also had to build in time today to relax. Which didn't happen of my own volition, but rather more accidentally, when my PA suggested that we should have lunch outside somewhere nice in order to talk about our action plan for the next week, rather than sitting in the office munching salad in front of our computers. So we drove up to Old Redding, with its fantastic view over the whole of Harrow, right down to Greenford and Heathrow. We sat on the spongy grass and watched planes coming in to land in the distance. The sun was shining. It was great.

Even if it means taking the taxi next time, I really think we will have to do that more often. It was wonderful.

Stage Three - Day Fifteen

I had been looking forward to stage three. There are 3 potential things to consider each day:

• A doing or a people task
• An optional task (you have to choose 2 from a list)
• A thought task

Things went well today. Dave and I were holding a garage sale and I was so busy I actually forgot to check up on my tasks. But by the time I got round to it, I realised that I had done my task for that day! To do an intense activity I don't normally do. What a great feeling. We didn't reach our target, but we sold a reasonable amount of stuff.

Day fourteen

The last day of stage two. I can't say I've enjoyed this stage quite as much as stage one. I think it will be good to go back to my regular routine in order to shake things up more than I have been able to this week.

Today, however, I'm feeling much better. I have definitely managed to do things differently so far. Today's guideline was to be more conventional (or more unconventional, but - and I can imagine all my friends grinning at this point - that's me to a tee already). I read the instructions after I'd done my hair in a zigzag parting, and thought - d'oh! - and had to undo it. I put it back to a "ponytail with hairslide at the front to prevent wispiness" kind of style that I see everybody wearing. It felt very weird.

Then at church this morning, I had to really restrain myself from:

1. Changing the "thee" and "thine" words to "You" and "Yours" while singing in order to worship God using the language I'd normally employ;
2. Singing my own harmonies and improvisations over the music;
3. Saying my own words during the 'Peace' - for example "you too" instead of "and also with you";
4. Hugging people instead of shaking their hand during the 'Peace' as well.

All of which I would normally have done. It was interesting to see how scared some visitors looked when I came out with stuff that they clearly hadn't a clue how to respond to. It was so difficult! Like the book said, I would feel my spirit yearning to rebel.

So, all not bad so far.

And, unusually for an Easter Day, I haven't yet gorged myself on chocolate.

In fact, I did something quite unprecedented this morning.
Dave had warmed up some special little chocolate pastry things for breakfast. He gave me two, but I only felt like eating one. And I just left the other there. It seemed so much easier to do than it would have, were I on a normal diet.

I have also happily resisted all the other delicious Easter treats so far, (including piles of freebies at church and Jo & Jim's very enticing looking gold Lindt bunny - joint best chocolate in the world). All, apart from a small praline egg from a Green and Black's box which Dave surprised me with this morning.

Day Thirteen

Normally thirteen is a good number for me. But I think in terms of the No Diet Diet, yesterday was a very bad day. I found it nearly impossible to behave any differently than normal. I was supposed to be more extrovert in situations where I'm normally introvert, and vice versa.

However, Dave and I spent most of the day preparing for our garage sale, and then went to church to pray for a few hours. In the evening we came home, had a lovely Chinese meal and watched the Manchester Passion.

I'm not sure what scope there was for me to change. I know from doing a Myers-Briggs profile of my personality that I'm very borderline introvert/extrovert and have swapped from one to the other at different periods of my life. I think I'm reasonably good at adapting already. Or is that just an excuse? Anyhow, I'm really not sure how I could have done things differently.

Good news though: I wasn't tempted by the more calorific options in the Chinese menu, and really felt like the healthiest option (well, alright, I had a bit of crispy seaweed too). I also noticed a strange hankering to go for a walk, which Dave obliged.

Let's see if I can get that 2 pounds back off, and then some.

Big Pile of Poo

I’ve just checked my weight: 14 stone 0 pounds.

NUTS!

Still, given the amount of rich, sugary, fattening food I’ve eaten over the past week, I’m quite glad I didn’t put on any more weight over what I started with.

Ironically, looking back on it, I think the programme worked against my ability to lose weight at some points, because adhering to the rules on certain days limited my ability to make less fattening choices (which I actually felt much more like doing). You could argue, I guess, that I could simply have gone without – especially in the case of the crappy chippy or the final killer cream tea. I shall learn from that.

Day Twelve

With heavy hearts we packed the car today and braced ourselves for a 6 hour journey. This made my given target for the day – being more spontaneous – more than a little tricky. It was hard to actually achieve this without bullying everybody into stopping, getting out of the car and partaking in some crazy whim of mine. Having tested the water a few times and been met with general disapproval, I relented.

Thankfully, I saw small opportunities to achieve my goal, and grabbed them. This included a moment where we stopped at a motorway service station, and I noticed a little cubby-hole filled with arcade games. I suggested we have a go at some, and thankfully everybody seemed to like the idea. We found this great Japanese 2-player game which involved sliding a handle left or right to get your character to avoid electric shocks or whatever. If you wanted you could be really mean and barge your competitor into point-losing situations, because both players’ handles were in the same slot, so you could simply use brute force to shove the other person’s handle along. It was a bit like 1-dimensional sumo wrestling. I don’t know if that makes any sense to you, dear reader, but Katie and I had a whale of a time playing it. And I think it woke her up a lot, which was helpful as she was the sole driver among us on a 400 mile journey.

Conclusion: a successful day, I think, against the odds.

Day Eleven

Sadly, today was a rather difficult day again. My task was to be either more flexible (able to change what I was prepared to do according to other people’s wishes) or more determined, depending on my current habits. Dave and I noticed that for this, like most of the other tasks, we were at the opposite ends of the scale. There was an ironic conundrum at the heart of this task – how to nag Dave into fulfilling his bit of the bargain without being determined? A fractal-like whirl of scruples unfolded.

I’m not sure how different this was supposed to be than Days Eight or Nine, because it seemed so similar in effect, although arguing my point in discussions was allowed.

Anyhow, the same grumpy results ensued, with me feeling I ought to go down Bedruthan Steps (very steep blocks of rock cut into an enormous cliff) in the vicious wind because that’s what everybody else appeared to want to do. At first the descent was ok and rather enjoyable, but after our long amble around the rock formations, I was really stuggling to make my way back up the cliff face while being splattered by a little waterfall. I clung grimly to the freezing steel banisters and managed it somehow. Had to take my inhaler and was absolutely knackered for the next few hours. Not much fun. I couldn’t have done it without Dave who provided moral support and carried my bag for me. Felt like a wimp. A uniquely bitter combination of frustration at myself, at the others, at the No Diet Diet and the weather.

Still, once again, I put up no protest when the others seemed to aim directly for The Crappest Chippy in Padstow. I wasn’t hungry and, in any case, would have much preferred a salad. Dave and I agreed to share a burger and chips. When it arrived we knew we'd been had. It looked more like lego than food. So I felt sorry for everybody else too.

I then went on to break the rules a bit when Katie and Mike ran off gleefully to get seats on the powerboat ride around the harbour. I was really very cold by that point and didn’t want to get wet as well (such a moany old wench!) but thankfully Dave also decided to sit out. This made me feel a bit less like a party pooper, and we ambled off to a nice old pub with a great view out over Padstow harbour and had a cuppa together, accompanied by a lovely private chat.

Further opportunities for polite deference cropped up when we began the usual search for somewhere good to eat. (An unlikely recommendation from one of our friends who is a bit of a hoodie type, Lawd bless 'im.) I would have much preferred one of the beautiful Cornish icecream parlours around the harbour, but we set off for ‘somewhere in a hotel near a church’. Actually, much to my surprise, we found it. And had the hugest cream tea I’d ever seen. It was yummy, but I felt a bit bloated afterwards and berated myself for wolfing down scone number 2.

I’m a bit disappointed with myself. Not with the way I’ve achieved my tasks, but generally with my (in)ability to focus on other people instead of myself and how I’m feeling. I’m comforting myself with the thought that if I’d have piped up at the right moment in Padstow, I’d have saved us from some cholesterol poisoning and helped everybody to appreciate their lunch a bit more.

However, things got much better of their own accord once we left Padstow. We headed to the Riv, which is a fantastic surf dude type bar and restaurant just across the bay from our little place. It has a framed stuffed eel on the wall above one of its doors with a tiny plaque at the bottom inscribed “The Eel is evil and it must be punished.” We drank cocktails and played pool. I had a wonderful time, we had some enlightening conversation and made each other giggle hysterically playing crazy Bob’s “Laugh the loudest you can but only with one laugh” game. I think the locals must have marked us off in their ‘unhinged Londoners to avoid’ book.

To get back to the general point of my (now approaching tome-esque proportions) blog, I wonder if this program makes you more introspective. Perhaps I’m quite a navel gazer anyway, and in general I’m pretty sure that I should focus on other people a lot more, but doing this has certainly highlighted that it’s something I need to work on. When my tasks have been difficult, it’s made me feel like an awkward big kid who’s sulking because she can’t get her own way.

I just can’t tell whether things would have turned out the way they did, with or without the No Diet Diet to rein in my usual behaviour.

One thing I do know: I’ve only had one glass of Diet Coke this week, and haven’t really missed it so much the rest of the time.
Well, maybe once.
But I have to say that even that is pretty surprising, considering my previous dependence on the evil brown liquid.

What will the scales say, huh? Tomorrow I’ll find out.

Day Ten

The behavioural ‘continuum’ along which I was supposed to slide today went from Energetic to Relaxed. My first problem each day is to figure out where I find myself on the scale. Only then can I attempt to Do The Opposite.

Herewith the self-examination: in the mornings, I’m generally anything but energetic. But during the rest of the day, normally I’m actually quite driven, often even resorting to doing two things at once, even if it looks bizarre (eg taking notes while I’m walking along) in order to save time.

So, after my initial leap out of bed (I surprised both myself and Dave with that one), today I had to concentrate on doing things slowly; for example, taking time out when my brain wanted me to hurry up and get something done. We had the perfect environ for me to try out this skill – a visit to the Eden Project. It did make me wake up to the fact that even on holiday I sometimes find it hard to relax and not treat time like I do when working – squeezing every drop of profitable juice out of a moment.

Additionally, as I noticed how I was behaving and began to change it, I really enjoyed letting go of this tendency, although I think my poor companions may have found it irritating at times.

A great day in every way. Beautiful sun, delicious food, long walks, more random facts to absorb. I hope this is what it’s supposed to be like.

Day Nine

Today was all about being more group-centred or more individual-centred as appropriate.

I think it has been my most difficult day yet. Simply, I think, because of the well-worn and comfortable group dynamics between the four of us. What I think it boiled down to was the fact that Katie and I are quite used to being individual and doing what we want to do, while our respective husbands are more group-centred. This works very well in the individual family units, and when the four of us are together, Katie and I tend to battle it out a bit to make sure that everybody’s needs are met. This sounds bad, but it works quite well. Because we’ve known each other for so long, we can push each other’s limits and find an acceptable medium without much trouble.

On this occasion, however, because I was trying to be more group-centred, and go along with what everybody else wanted to do, there was only one voice to follow. This was made more tricky by the fact that Katie often likes to have the support of other people to help make up her mind on decisions where the outcome doesn’t matter too much or where there is no obvious deciding factor.

After we got up and realised that the weather was going to be a bit horrible, there was a bit of discussion with the gentlemen, and Katie concluded that we should go to St Ives because there, we’d mostly be sheltered, inside the Tate, shops, cafés or galleries.

Once we got there, we had a bit of a discussion about whether to have lunch straight away at the Tate or to walk to the centre of the town to find somewhere less expensive to eat. I really wanted to stay at the gorgeous top floor café at the Tate because of the incredible romantic views and the delicious food. I think it was more than the Moritzes wanted to spend on a meal out though. I offered to pay, but Katie came out with the crushing argumentative blow “Aren’t you supposed to be group centred today?” when I repeated the offer. I relented, ashamed, and we ended up wandering round for a long time looking for somewhere else to eat, and then again for a gallery that wasn’t closed, in the cold and wet, with me getting gradually more bored and miserable, and desperately trying to stifle my wish to say so.

Thus, I may have managed (mostly) to fulfil my task for today, but I didn’t feel happy about it, and I didn’t enjoy the way the group dynamics changed. Not sure what I am supposed to learn from this – should I conclude that the way I would normally behave in groups is ok? The book doesn’t say anything about whether the stuff that happens when I change the way I act should be good or bad, only that I should take notice of it, although the authors strongly hint that the results are likely to be positive.

Hmm. Wish there were some scales here to at least give me some reassurance on my progress towards svelteness. Or whatever it is.

Stage Two - Day Eight

I was a bit nervous about today. The ‘diet’ moves into a new phase this week where I have to focus on my personality and how I behave towards other people.

The idea for day eight was to be more assertive in situations where I’d normally by unassertive, and vice versa. I realised that I’m actually quite assertive with my close friends, so today I tried to be a bit quieter and listen to the conversation without stamping all over it with my opinions. When I thought about it, this wasn’t as scary as I initially expected, but – even then – I found it quite difficult.

I had to bite my tongue at some moments when I was itching to say stuff about feminism or the emerging church or whatever. But the different way people have reacted has been interesting. Dave, for one, told a really funny story (about a pig eating his cousin's sunglasses) in the space previously occupied by my views. So this has encouraged me not to be so vocal all the time. Or – well – like the book says, to become more ‘behaviourally flexible’.

I wish there were some weighing scales around here so I could see if this is continuing to shift the pounds, despite the fact that I still can’t resist some of the stuff that would be strictly off-limits on your average diet (albeit in smaller portions than usual). There are moments, still, when I surprise myself by not having cravings for things, including Diet Coke and chocolate, my two big demons.

Day Seven

Today my task was to do a good deed. Which was another funny one, because I like to think that I do a lot of good deeds. And thus, it gave me plenty of room for embarrassment, because I realised that actually my average day doesn’t contain that much impressive righteous stuff.

I blame it on the holiday.

Anyhow, I toyed with lots of crazy stuff, like paying for the shopping of the person in front of us in the supermarket queue. When we came to gather provisions for the week ahead, however, there were two heavy-set Russian blokes in front of us, (plus lots of beer), who were chattering away, and I thought it might be difficult to explain that I was doing a new kind of diet where you have to do random good deeds. By the end of the day I still hadn’t figured out what to do, which was acutely frustrating. After having discounted making a donation to charity, which is, of itself, a bit of a habit for me, I had to settle for cooking everybody dinner. This felt like a major cheat because I was going to have to do it at some point during the holiday anyway. And I couldn’t do the washing-up on top, because we forgot to get gloves to protect my ‘difficult’ skin. So I went the extra mile and made it a bit special with proper dustings of cocoa on the dessert, etc. All a bit posh. I think it went down quite well.

I can’t say that what I’ve been eating has been extra-specially healthy lately, but I’ve noticed that I seem to get full up quicker than usual. I like the feeling less and less. I’ve got to learn to stop just before the moment I know I’m totally satisfied.

Day Six

Mike, Katie, Dave and I arrived in Cornwall this afternoon and are now happily installed in our little loft apartment overlooking the North Coast. I’ve just completed my task for today which is to write my goals for this time next year. Easy!

My continuing adventures with hunger psychology are still proving surprising.

We didn’t have quite the right food for supper and decided to venture out for a takeaway. Unusually, despite seeing the nice chicken burgers, kebabs and chips on the board of the cheery old-skool chippy, my eyes and stomach colluded on the choice of a tuna mayo jacket potato. It was genuinely what I felt like eating most and, strangely, was probably the healthiest choice on the board (unless you’re a GI or Atkins nut).

I do feel slightly sick, still, that I’ve had two scoops of icecream today and half a Kinder Bueno bar. Normally this would pass unnoticed and I’d still be craving chocolate, but now it just feels like too much; even slightly gluttonous. How this has evolved from the relatively light range of habit-breaking tasks I’ve followed, I really don’t know.

I’m beginning to get a bit nervous about the tasks I’m supposed to do in stage 2, which begins on Monday. They are designed to change the way I behave and act towards other people. Even though I’m in the ideal safe situation to do it (being with only my best friends for the next whole week) it still fills me with a silly kind of dread. I hope this doesn’t prevent me from completing the course of the No Diet Diet. I suspect this feeling of dread is a sign that the diet really needs to be done, because it’s obvious that I really am trapped within my comfort zone.

Getting nervous about treating people differently – honestly – what a big pansy I am.

Not sure whether there are weighing scales here so charting my progress weight-wise may be difficult over the next few days. I could always brave one of those public weighing machines which announce your sins to the world. (Somebody reading this over my shoulder, who prefers to remain anonymous, has just quipped that this is exactly what I am doing already. Erm… fair point!)

Day six

Not sure whether today will work.

I am supposed to write out what I want to have achieved this time next year. I have actually already done this, because (for the most part) I tend to be quite good at setting my goals and carrying them out.

However, I'm sure doing it again can't hurt. I do enjoy thinking about the future after all.

Day five

Today the idea was to get up an hour early. I thought I'd set my alarm for 7.30am, but woke up in a panic at 8am feeling very tired. Still, I managed to struggle out of bed, and it felt weird - very weird - to be up that early on holiday. It was actually difficult to work out what to do. Normally I don't have this problem, managing to fill my waking hours right up with all sorts of different activities. (TV is somewhat of a culprit there though for a large amount of unproductive time.)

I really should have thought of something constructive to do, but only half an hour later I was off with the olds to see my Grandma and Grandad. We had a bit of a pray and a chat which was fantastic, and normally I'd have missed this with a giant lie-in. Very refreshing.

Shock news: My weight is now: 13 stone 12lbs! [Does a small dance around the room]

Day four

Apologies for the lateness of this post. I have been travelling for a bit and it's disrupted my internet access.

Day four was successful again. I managed not to have my favourite drink (Diet Coke, to which I have been addicted for quite some time - at least 330ml a day for the past 4 years or so - not good at all) and also read something completely different. I chose the Economist, which was dry as a very dry thing and almost fell asleep reading it on the train (sorry Economist!) - maybe it's because I hadn't reached the article about Microsoft.

Anyway it's 2 days later and I still haven't had any Diet Coke yet. Quite good, although it may be the fact that I am now officially On Holiday and my normal routine is being disrupted quite a bit anyway.

Still all good though.

Day three

I have an admission to make: I cheated a bit today. I was supposed to give up my favourite drink today, and go for a 15 minute walk tomorrow. But I swapped them over, seeing as I'm going on holiday tomorrow and all the luggage would make walking a bit difficult.

And, today has been a beautiful, sunny day so far, so it would be a shame to have wasted it. Wouldn't it?

Noting this point, James (my PA) and I went for a walk around Northwick Park this lunchtime. And here's another thing I noticed. I've worked next to the place for almost 5 years, and I have only been for a walk there twice. Yikes!

Not that it's a particularly pretty park; it's simply half a mile squared of lawn with a few trees at the periphery, but it beats the concrete metropolis of Harrow Town Centre. Mind you, we noticed a kestrel flying from goal post to goal post.

So I have been for a walk for no reason and seen a bird of prey today. 2 things that wouldn't normally happen in the course of my usual waking hours. Quite good really.

Day two

Day two is almost over. Today my task was to write for 15 minutes, and I also chose a task from the list of extra ones that could be done at any point in the first week, which was to take a different route to work.

Often these days I get quite tired in the mornings. But this morning was different. Maybe it's the fact that summer's approaching and the mornings are getting lighter, or maybe it's the 'diet', but I got straight out of bed not long after Dave. And left the house almost straight away. It felt very good indeed. And I was on track to arrive at work about 75 minutes earlier than usual.

However, a few steps in to the journey and I had to really force myself to go in the OTHER direction from the one I'm used to. A curious mix of emotions occurred as the journey unfolded.

Firstly, it didn't feel like I was going to work somehow. It just felt like - a walk. For fun.
This, I liked.

Secondly, and at the same time, I felt nervous and almost dizzy. Like what happens when you saw open a golf ball. It feels like as I crack open my web of habits, all the elastic bands inside my head are seething. (If you can understand that, you are weirder - and more like me - than I thought. It's great to have you as my friend.)

I started to notice that the new road I was walking down was much more pleasant. I looked at every tree with their beautiful clouds of pink blossoms. I smelled the air. And all the while my subconscious was having what I can only describe as a hissyfit.

Anyhow, as I got to the tube station, I clicked back in to my routine. Then - something else unexpected. I began to observe myself almost from the outside. I noticed I was about to sit down on the normal bench in the same place as usual. I thought - while I'm at it, why don't I break this habit as well? So I sat on a different bench. This added to the feeling of internal petit mal.

By the time I got to task number 2, "write for 15 minutes" - I felt great. Just achieving small things and ticking them off the list is having quite a profound effect on my state of mind. So I decided to write a prayer - something I've not done in quite a while. And carried on for about half an hour.

After both those tasks were finished, I felt a kind of serenity come over me and it stayed with me through the rest of the day. It could be the lovely sun out for most of the day, or it could be the diet, but right now I feel very happy.

I know this 'diet' is going to get a lot harder than this as I progress and have to really break out of my comfort zone, but even if I don't lose any weight, so far, I reckon it's been hugely positive. It could be the placebo effect, but I seem to be more aware of things, especially whether I am truly hungry or thirsty.

All good.

But, man, how I missed TV yesterday evening!

Day One

If this is what an effective diet looks like, count me in! No hunger, no calorie counting, no fiddling with little charts or keeping track of what I've eaten.

But: no TV or radio today.

Originally Dave (lovely, un-chubby hubby) and I were going to go to a friend's concert tonight, so I thought the media ban would be easy. Wrong. Due to a ticket / communication mixup, it's all off. Normally the first thing I'd do would be to flop down on the sofa and switch on the TV. But now... erm... I feel strangely at sea. And having a shower without the radio this morning seemed eerie somehow. But I decided that I was going to 'listen to what I wanted to' in my head, and felt surprisingly spontaneous and independent.

I feel quite fresh. Like a new person is about to appear from inside me somewhere.

Maybe as my habits get pulled apart it will start to feel much more disorienting and painful, but right now, it feels good.

Discovering how much of my life is controlled by habits, however, is quite embarrassing. I used not to think of myself as a rigid, structured person, but even now I am startled at the mental restrictions I imposed on myself without even thinking. Call myself an artist?! This has got to stop.

The theory

Tomorrow I'm about to start the "No Diet Diet" - a new kind of plan to lose weight which focusses on the psychology of over-eating rather than the pure calories / carbs / amounts of cabbage. According to the breathless first few chapters of the book, it's THE way to lose weight because you learn to eat only when you're hungry, by destroying the web of habits you've built up around food. Most people, according to the authors of this book, lose weight slowly until they reach their naturally healthy measurements.

Sounds good to me. I'm all for getting my habits broken up and injecting more spontaneity into my life, even if I don't get substantially thinner.

This will be my journal of the journey.

Current weight : 14 stone or thereabouts. (Ouch!)